The Greatest Inappropriate for a Workplace Xmas Party Mix You Will Ever Hear

So today’s mix theme is hysterectomies.

Actually, i am totally fucking with you. A hysterectomy mix. Jebus, can you imagine? Yipes.

i do, however, have a mix in mind. Here it is, nearly halfway through December, and i haven’t put together one Christmas Mix for you cats. (Yes, i do say Christmas–not Holiday or Seasonal. Look, i’m about as agnostic as they come, but if the early Christians went to all that trouble to rip off the pagans in their efforts to destroy the older religion, well then, by gum, it’s their damn holiday, and they get to call the shots. Fair is fair, after all. And co-opting is for the birds.)

After much prodding, my lazy ass got around to making an Xmas Mix for the Missus’ office party. The only “rule” i was given was to keep it clean enough for the post-party clean-up. i thought i did a pretty good job, with only one “maybe not” song on there. Of course, the mix consequently was played in front of some Veep, who then admonished the Missus, who then let me know what was what.

Note to readers: As kick ass a song as it is, Fairytale of New York by the Pogues apparently isn’t “appropriate for a workplace environment.” Go figure.

It is with the above in mind that i bring to you The Greatest Inappropriate for a Workplace Xmas Party Mix You Will Ever Hear. My stars and garters, you are some lucky bastards.

What better way to kick things off than this heartfelt wish for the true meaning of Christmas.

I could have gone with a couple of different tracks by my personal favorite pint-sized rapper, but this one seemed to work best. Sure, he’s talking about, you know, the reefer, but he’s Christmas-ed it up by using Xmas foliage as a metaphor. Which was nice of him.

i’ll be honest, i didn’t care for many of the songs on this otherwise hilarious CD, but what’s not to love about a Hebron sister’s plea for her share of the Xmas loot? Plus, it encompasses my favorite part of religion–quaint dismissal of all other religions. Gods bless us, everyone!

Not technically Christmas specific, but it’s certainly winter-y enough to make the list. Plus, everyone needs a bit more Zappa in their daily diet. Anyway, some people find this song to be gross. Personally, i think it’s just good advice.

i’ve probably mentioned it before, but Neil is one of my top three favorite current writers. There’s nothing particularly “inappropriate” about this spoken word piece at all. But it is kind of creepy as hell. You certainly wouldn’t want to play this at any party with young kids present, though, i’m pretty sure of that.

This is actually a “hidden” track on the album. Why do bands do that? It’s not hidden at all, jack, you’re just making me sit through some indeterminate period of silence before the pay-off. Pretty selfish if you ask me, dog. Just saying. Anyway, even though it’s kind of old-timey jazz, most employers don’t like pot tracks. Bastards.

Dude, it’s a Christmas song by Snoop Dogg. Do the math.

An elf’s plan to bang Santa’s Old Lady. Monkey bless the U.S. of A.

You’d think this would have everything an office Xmas track would need–rape, incest and murder. Well, i guess that depends entirely on where you work. i could have gone with the Roots cover here, as it’s arguably an even creepier version, but i’m down with De La. What can i say?

i’m fairly confident this was the verse that didn’t sit well with the Veep:

You’re a bum
You’re a punk
You’re an old slut on junk
Lying there almost dead on a drip in that bed
You scumbag, you maggot
You cheap lousy faggot
Happy Christmas your arse
I pray God it’s our last

i fucking love my Mc Brethern.
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